Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Birds and the Bees

I got up this morning kissed my wife and left for work and realized something. Boys and girls are different. Yes I know, boys pee standing up and girls sit down. I quickly learned to put the seat down because for some reason girls don’t like the splash of cold water in the morning when they are half asleep. This is not here nor there because I’m talking about the differences in our programming. I am not going to spend the time to find all the references to back up my points because I’m at work and do have to get something done today. Bear with my assumptions that you have not lived under a rock all your life.

On my mission, and on many others, the hardest part was your companion. This is because you are stuck with someone 24-7 and truest me you are different. You have different up bringing, different experiences, and different ideas. Yet you both have the same goal of bring other unto Christ. You are able to work through the difference, or even build on the differences to move forward Gods work. I learned very quickly to adapt, tolerate, and complement these differences. I spend two years doing this so when I got married and started another 24-7 relationship I had a little experience on what to expect and how to react.

When I met Jess I noticed right away some of the differences between us. She was a girl and I was a boy. You can tell right there college was teaching me something. The magnitude this very first difference I notices, one that everyone notices, didn’t reveal itself until much later. I was very happy with this difference. She wouldn’t be very hot if she looked like me. I liked this difference enough that I went through a lot to get to know Jess more and later marry her.

I saw in Jess all the attributes of what I wanted in a wife, mother, and eternal companion. It is not hard to believe that these attributes contribute to the differences in our programming but we did have the same goals. I knew what I brought to the table and where I fell short. Jess not only filled in the gaps I left but brought so much more to the relationship that I knew I had to have her. If any of you know the story our courtship you know that I had to have something driving me to get through it all. The motivation I had was that I knew Jess would be the perfect match for me.

Now I could go on to describe all the differences and likenesses between Jess and I but that would take to long. I want to focus more on some general differences that might apply to more people then just the two of us and see if I can being some enlightenment. Like I stated in the opening paragraph boys and girls are different. God has given us different roles to fill here on earth. These roles go deeper then just I kill the bugs and she cleans up the bugs. This is what I realized as I kiss my beautiful wife who was sleeping in our warm conferrable bed, and then left her to come to work for 8 hours.

I think this is a good place to interject and make a disclaimer that I am not trying to say that women can’t do this or that I have some great hardship. There are a lot of women that work and men that have it harder than I do. Again this is not my point so move on.
As I left my wife this morning I starting thinking about why I am able to do this. I don’t want to leave my wife, I love her, and I picked her to spend all of eternity with, why would I want to leave her to go to work? Any man can tell you that he doesn’t leave for work because he wants to get away from his wife. If he does then he need more help then this little bit is going to do.

I thought about if I had to love my wife less then she loved me to be able to leave her day after day. Of course that isn’t true. I love her more than anything. I thought about how she got to stay home and sleep in. Spend all day with our amazing son Noah. How she didn’t have to be at work, being nice to stupid people, spending 8 hours doing things for people that are not the ones I want to be with or doing things for. How am I able to do this day after day? Well boys and girls are different.

Jess loves her family very much. She shows this love in many ways. I too love my family very much and show this love in many ways. These ways are different. They have to be or else this wouldn’t work as well. God programmed woman to be nurturing, caring, and gentle. This does not mean that I cannot be those things but Jess has a lot bigger capacity for them. I know that Jess could not get up and leave her family day after day. I’m not even sure she could spend 8 hours away from Noah without having a nervous breakdown.

I love my family just as much as Jess does. I can love them just as much without showing it the same way. This is the difference that is so important to understand. If I loved my family the same as Jess does then neither one of us would be able to leave for work or fulfill the roles we have. I am so glad that Jess loves her family the way she does. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It is important to realize the differences in how each other is able to love. Don’t think because I don’t show my love the same way Jess does that I don’t love just as much. Realize that these differences are what make us work so well together. Understand that she loves a certain way and look for love in that same way. Also understand that because I love differently that I might not show it the same way Jess would. My experience on my mission has helped me to know and understand this in my marriage. I take the difference in the way Jess loves our family and the way I love our family and adapt, tolerate, and complement it.

It is also important that you realize understand that showing my love differently doesn’t mean I love any less. Know that because you would show your love in another way does not mean that your way is better. When you expect to be loved the same way you love, you will often find yourself searching. This is where time helps. The longer you’re married the more time you have to adapt.

Once you have adapted to the way the other loves you won’t even realize it any more. That is why it hit me so hard this morning. I didn’t realize how different Jess and I show our love. We work so well together that it doesn’t seem be an issue. Don’t get me wrong Jess and I still have those moments where we don’t understand why the other is acting or feeling the way they are or why they aren’t acting or feeling the way we would. Don’t look at someone and think to yourself that they should be doing this or saying that if they really love you. You might just be projecting the way YOU would act or what YOU would say to show your love. I am not saying that you should take everything the other does as an act of love. I don’t know why people take a rule and try to apply the exceptions to it. If your husband is beating you it is not because he loves you.

Anyway, in closing I want to let you and my wife know that I am very much in love with her. That even though I show my love differently I still love her with all my heart. Know that even though I don’t always do things the way you would do them that I am doing the best I can.

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